I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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