the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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