I cockslap morals
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
