So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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