shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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