you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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