Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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