Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
