I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
