Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
