it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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