i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
