she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
