you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
