My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
