I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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