dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
