If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
