that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she looked like the before picture.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
3pm strippers are depressing
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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