I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize