you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
