i love accidental penises.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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