Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
