And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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