the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize