I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
