i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Randomize
