By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
