Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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