I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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