Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize