Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
