He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
