Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
