One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
