The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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