His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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