don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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