his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
