Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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