Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
