the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
