Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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