areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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