I hate your face
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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