1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
