wrigley field is MILF paradise
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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