Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize