I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
