In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
