Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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