I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
