im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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