The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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