if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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