She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
