Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
