I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Someone signed my nipple.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize